For the last few months, I’ve noticed you sharing more personal things. Last time we met, you wondered why I don’t allow myself to be more emotional. As we moved into sensing, you asked if I sense you. I don’t reach out for that. I don’t field it. I saw that made you a bit emotional, so I want to try to explain.
Remember the last few times we ran into this? What did I say? I’ll remind you. I said it doesn’t feel healthy to get too close to you. This sort of boundary is something I’ve worked on and associate with my integrity.
Background: When I was younger, i had crushes on teachers, anonymously wrote them poetry, left little gifts. As they were older, straight, teachers and women, it wasn’t appropriate and I knew this but followed my feelings. Overall, I felt an affinity with women in my life.
Later, I did date guys but it felt wrong in all ways, including little to no emotional intimacy. When I realized I could date women – wow – that was a relief, particularly finding women who felt the same way. During those early relationships, I would have crushes on other women but not follow through with them physically. It didn’t feel right for me, nor did it feel right when others were not truthful with me. In between relationships, I pursued physical only connections, but that was just sad.
I’ve had friendships with women and men, straight and gay. Gay men are fun and sweet. Straight men didn’t used to be interesting at the time, but have grown on me. Friendships with straight women were usually good. But odd in one way. I think they were getting their emotional intimacy needs met with me, then going home. That felt weird to me.
I’m going to pose a question. If you’re in a committed relationship and your partner gets emotionally intimate with someone else, is that cheating? Hm?
Though not comprehensive data, I’ve asked this in mixed orientation rooms. Generally: Straight men will say no. Almost all gay men will say no. Straight women will most times say yes, but not always. Gay women almost always say yes.
That depth of intimacy is what is attractive. Emotional intimacy heightens everything else. With some people a strong bond like this is powerful, magical. It is a special connection.
To have a similar bond with someone else feels wrong to me. It feels unhealthy.
It just dawned on me that you may use the words “doesn’t feel safe.” But the experience is different for you and me and that’s ok. Does that make sense?
Why is this so important to you?
Lately, getting emotional happens less for me because I understand more. Getting emotional to the point of tears isn’t necessary, is it? I appreciate my rational mind is involved. Does wise mind cry? I don’t think I’ve ever had happy tears. My temperment is too low and steady for this. And that’s ok.
There’s more to ponder about this – later.
ETA, Tues, summary: I do love you, but am not and cannot be in love with you. This would be an unhealthy boundary and I do not even entertain it. Our boundaries and reasons for boundaries differ. And that’s ok. Well, I think so. 💛
ETA Sunday: Ya know, I did this in my 20’s. Don’t need to do it again in an unreal place. It’s of no benefit. It’s not what I need to work on. As you need reassurance I’m in the room, I will do so. I hope you realize I am there as I can be. If not, that’s different.