Syncopation

Two people. Two very different people.

One I have now known for over 10 years. Early on I knew to trust her and I knew she cared. It was heart warming then and remains so today. Her thirst to understand has helped me understand. I am lucky to have found someone patient enough, kind enough and smart enough to remain with me in my struggles. Of all people, she has helped me the most. She has more than kept me alive, she has helped me find greater life satisfaction. In her reflection, I am able to see things more clearly. Because of her, I am more gentle with my current and younger self. I am hugely thankful for her sticking with me through frustration, pushing back and seeming detachment- through deep dive sadness and sighing contentment. Throughout the years, I have found greater steadiness, peace and stillness. Every day a little better, every week, every year.

Rest. That’s it. I’ve learned to rest. And I hear her voice helping. Sometimes I feel her caring presence. Careful presence. When I’ve pushed to speed things up, she’s convinced me to go slower, be mindful. Both have happened. I am fortunate to have her help. She is a person who makes a difference in a real way every day. She is wonderful. Those of us who she helps are lucky indeed. Anyone in her life is fortunate.

The second is new. You know the cliche, be careful what you ask for? At first I liked that she moved quickly. I soon realized she is not so careful. Words she uses and doesn’t realize she uses may do more harm than good for some people. There is knowledge there and the desire to help, just a bit more, well, sort of flippant it seems. Where I learned a specific method of EFT, she tapped around with some regard for placement, little regard for method. It takes her a while to hear what I’m actually saying. I’ve learned to not speak too much of historical pain, as she’ll bring it into the now. No, that was then. (Ironic.)

There is something to learn, so I adapt. Though I’ve learned much of this already, I remind myself to hear what I may not know, to work through it. The lack of focus due to moving too quickly, the sometimes anxiety and the distance can get frustrating. Last time it was picking at nails, chewing and looking at the clock. When it happens again I will stop talking and ask about it.

I’m told that I need to allow myself to be in the feelings, but there is less aftercare. Actually none. I’ve seen others leave puffy faced or crying. I’ve learned how to self care about this. I also know to be careful. At this time, I am not going to be super vulnerable with her. So far there is no proof she is a safe place. For now I will work through it as much as possible to glean what I can. We shall see.

I am definitely spoiled.

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