Water analogies often apply to experience. Today I am slowly spinning. I feel it physically. Is it better than flinches? It’s more peaceful. Lately I’ve felt like I’m in a river. It’s neither cold nor hot, but it moves at varying rates. Today the water appears somewhat calm, but slight swirls are evident on the surface. Beneath, the current is deep and reels with slow powerful motion. I’m not pulled under. The current carries me around and around while the wispy blue sky and deep green shore seemingly swing by.
Does this represent being disconnected from body? Sure. I’m not grounded. If I try to ground myself, the head still spins and I get a bit nauseous. My breath follows the spin and with each I am drawn to sleep. With each dip of consciousness a sad cry. One state of frozen. It is a nice break from being in my reactive body. But this is no way to live.
Trying mindfulness I am the river, one layer of me spinning and focusing on colors and shapes, smells and touches, the deeper layers slow dark reeling. Above there is sky and lush coolness, the hint of flowers. I know they’re there and I will get to them. For now this chance to rest in the buoying whirl is good enough. I am still so exhausted.